Part of the Learn Without Limits CIC knowledge base for ALN families in Wales.

Autistic Young People, Fawning and Frenemies: When Being Nice Stops Being Safe

Some autistic and ALN young people are taught to be polite, kind, helpful and forgiving.

Those are not bad qualities.

The problem starts when a young person learns that keeping other people happy matters more than their own safety, comfort or judgement.

That can happen in school.

It can happen in college.

It can happen online.

It can happen at work, in volunteering, in faith spaces, in neighbourhoods, in extended family, and sometimes inside the close family unit itself.

Parents often recognise the pattern before professionals do.

A young person has a “friend” who leaves them anxious, confused or smaller. A group chat keeps pulling them into gossip. A cousin or family friend “jokes” in ways that feel cruel. A colleague acts supportive in public but undermines them privately. Someone online gives attention, praise and advice, but slowly normalises secrecy, pressure or dependence.

This is the “frenemy” problem.

It is not always obvious bullying. It can look like friendship, teasing, honesty, help or loyalty.

For autistic young people, that hidden social layer can be hard to decode.

This article explains how fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses can overlap with masking, code-switching and people-pleasing, and why families need to teach young people the difference between being kind and being unsafe.

This is general information, not clinical, legal or safeguarding advice. If a child or young person is at immediate risk, follow your local safeguarding procedures or contact emergency services.

Read this alongside

This article links to several earlier Learn Without Limits CIC pieces:

• Why So Many Disabled Children Mask at School and Break Down at Home
• The Hidden Crisis in Wales: Why So Many Children Are Struggling with Mental Health and Bullying
• Speech Delay, Multilingual Homes and the Myth of “Confusion”
• Using Stories to Teach Emotional Safety, Boundaries and Trust
• What Little Red Riding Hood Actually Teaches Us About Safety, Trust and Hidden Intent
• Online Safety, Vulnerability and Safeguarding for ALN and Chronically Unwell Teens
• When “Engagement” Becomes Emotional Dependency
• When Young People Try to Get Around Online Safety Rules: ALN, Hacking Risk and Real Prevention

The shared theme is prevention.

Autistic and ALN young people do not need adults to make them afraid of everyone.

They need practical teaching about risk, trust, boundaries, hidden intent and when to seek help.

Quick answer

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn are ways the body may respond when something feels unsafe.

For many autistic and ALN young people:

• fight may look like shouting, arguing or pushing back
• flight may look like avoiding, leaving, blocking or refusing to attend
• freeze may look like going silent, blank, compliant or unable to answer
• fawn may look like pleasing, apologising, laughing along, agreeing or keeping the peace

Fawning can overlap with masking and code-switching.

That does not mean masking or code-switching are always wrong.

Many people adapt how they speak, behave or present themselves in different settings. For racialised, multilingual, disabled, migrant, Romani, working-class, faith-minority or otherwise minoritised young people, code-switching can be a real survival skill.

The danger comes when the young person cannot choose.

If they feel they must please others to stay safe, avoid rejection, prevent conflict or keep access to a friendship group, then “being nice” may no longer be safe.

What this article is, and what it is not

This article is not saying autistic young people are weak, naive or unable to form safe relationships.

It is not saying all friendship problems are bullying.

It is not saying every disagreement is abuse.

It is not saying young people should distrust everyone.

It is saying that some autistic and ALN young people need explicit teaching about social risk because hidden motives, power dynamics, pressure and manipulation are not always obvious.

That teaching should be calm, practical and repeated.

Not panic.

Not shame.

Not “you should have known”.

Real prevention.

Fight, flight, freeze and fawn in plain English

People often talk about “fight or flight”.

That phrase is useful, but incomplete.

Some young people do not fight.

Some do not run away.

Some freeze.

Some fawn.

Different services and writers use slightly different language. NHS Inform describes fight, flight and freeze as common responses to trauma [1]. The Children’s Society discusses fight, flight, freeze and fawn as survival responses in young people [2]. Rape Crisis England and Wales uses the language of fight, flight, freeze, flop and friend, where “friend” describes trying to appease or keep someone on side during fear [3].

The names matter less than the pattern.

When a young person feels unsafe, their body may try to protect them before they have time to think clearly.

Fight

Fight can look like:

• arguing
• shouting
• swearing
• pushing back
• becoming rigid
• refusing to cooperate
• correcting unfairness intensely

Some autistic young people are punished for fight responses when adults only see “behaviour”.

But sometimes fight is a panic response.

It may be the young person’s body saying, “This is too much.”

Flight

Flight can look like:

• leaving
• avoiding someone
• refusing school or college
• blocking a person online
• hiding in toilets or quiet spaces
• not replying to messages
• suddenly dropping an activity

Adults may see avoidance.

The young person may be trying to escape a situation they cannot explain yet.

Freeze

Freeze can look like:

• going silent
• staring
• being unable to answer
• seeming passive
• complying without understanding
• being unable to move away
• later saying “I don’t know why I didn’t say no”

Freeze is often misunderstood.

A frozen young person may look calm from the outside. Inside, they may be overwhelmed.

Fawn

Fawn can look like:

• agreeing quickly
• laughing at jokes that hurt
• apologising too much
• trying to keep everyone happy
• saying yes to avoid awkwardness
• protecting the other person’s feelings
• defending someone who repeatedly hurts them
• taking blame to stop conflict
• staying loyal to someone who scares them

Fawning can be mistaken for maturity, politeness or “good social skills”.

Sometimes it is none of those.

Sometimes it is fear.

Why fawning can be missed in autistic young people

Autistic young people are often taught social rules very directly.

Make eye contact.

Say thank you.

Do not be rude.

Do not interrupt.

Do not make people uncomfortable.

Be flexible.

Try to join in.

Ignore teasing.

Give people another chance.

Some of that advice may be well meant.

But if adults do not also teach boundaries, consent, privacy, safe people and exit routes, a young person may learn the wrong lesson.

They may learn:

• my discomfort matters less than other people’s feelings
• I must not make a fuss
• I should laugh along so I am not rejected
• I should keep secrets to prove loyalty
• if someone says they are my friend, they must be safe
• if I upset someone, I am the problem
• saying no is rude
• reporting something means I am causing drama
• adults only praise me when I am quiet and easy

That is not resilience.

That is risk.

Masking, code-switching and fawning are connected, but not the same

Learn Without Limits has already written about why many disabled children mask at school and then break down at home.

Masking can mean hiding distress, copying peers, suppressing natural reactions, forcing eye contact, hiding stims, pretending to understand, or appearing fine when the child is overwhelmed.

The National Autistic Society describes masking, or camouflaging, as hiding or disguising parts of yourself to fit in with people around you [4].

Code-switching is different, though it can overlap.

Code-switching can mean changing language, accent, tone, body language or behaviour between different cultural, social or professional settings.

That can be healthy.

A person may speak differently with a grandparent, a friend, a teacher, a manager, a faith leader or a job interviewer. A multilingual child may move naturally between languages and communication styles. A young person from a racialised or minority background may know that some settings are safer if they adjust how much of themselves they show.

The problem is not adaptation.

The problem is forced adaptation.

A young person needs to know the difference between:

That difference is not obvious to every young person.

It often needs to be taught.

When “good behaviour” is actually distress

This is one of the hardest things for parents to explain to schools, colleges and professionals.

A young person may look:

• polite
• quiet
• helpful
• sensible
• compliant
• mature
• easy to manage

But at home, they may be:

• crying
• exhausted
• angry
• panicked
• withdrawn
• unable to sleep
• refusing to return
• melting down after social contact
• saying they do not know what is wrong

A quiet child is not always coping.

A polite young person is not always consenting.

A smiling autistic teenager may be masking panic.

A young adult who “doesn’t make a fuss” may have learned that making a fuss makes things worse.

Parents should take patterns seriously, even where the setting says everything appears fine.

This is why home-school communication, parent records and trusted adult check-ins matter.

Visible behaviour is not the whole story.

The frenemy problem

A frenemy is someone who acts like a friend but repeatedly makes the young person feel unsafe, ashamed, confused, dependent or small.

This can include:

• teasing that only goes one way
• jokes that target disability, race, body, speech, faith, poverty, family or identity
• gossip framed as “I’m only telling you because I care”
• pressure to keep secrets
• being pulled into arguments
• being used as a messenger
• being mocked for not understanding social cues
• being excluded and then drawn back in
• being told “you’re too sensitive”
• being blamed for reacting to cruelty
• being asked to prove loyalty
• being encouraged to break rules
• being isolated from safer friends or adults

For autistic young people, this can be especially confusing because the person may still do friendly things.

They may text first.

They may sit with them.

They may share jokes.

They may give compliments.

They may defend them sometimes.

They may say, “I’m your only real friend.”

That is why “are they nice sometimes?” is not a strong enough test.

The better question is:

Do they make the young person safer over time?

Friend or frenemy?

This is a simple comparison families can use.

No friendship is perfect.

People make mistakes.

Young people fall out, misunderstand each other and say clumsy things.

The pattern matters.

If a relationship repeatedly leaves the young person smaller, frightened, dependent or ashamed, adults should pay attention.

Official guidance already recognises part of this problem

Welsh Government’s May 2026 anti-bullying guidance is useful here because it names several patterns parents often describe.

It describes relational aggression as bullying behaviour that tries to harm a child or young person’s relationship or social status, including drawing friends away, exploiting a person’s ALN or illness, isolating or humiliating someone, and deliberately getting someone into trouble [5].

The same guidance says disabled learners and learners with ALN may be more vulnerable to bullying behaviour for reasons including negative attitudes, lack of understanding, difficulty recognising bullying, inaccessible procedures, communication barriers, isolation and difficulty predicting other people’s behaviour [5].

It also specifically names:

• conditional friendship
• exploitative bullying
• manipulative bullying

Conditional friendship is where a group allows a child or young person to believe they are accepted, but uses them or places conditions on their belonging [5].

Exploitative bullying may deliberately target something the child cannot tolerate, such as sensory sensitivities [5].

Manipulative bullying may involve a child or young person believing another person or group likes them and that they are friends, while they are being manipulated into a high-risk or controlling relationship [5].

That is the frenemy problem in official language.

For families, this matters.

Concerns should not be dismissed just because the young person calls the other person a friend.

The question is not only:

Are they friends?

The question is:

Is this relationship safe, equal, respectful and understood by the young person?

The “why are they telling me this?” test

One practical rule parents can teach is:

Why are they telling me this?

Not all information about other people is gossip.

Sometimes someone tells a young person something because it helps keep them safe.

For example:

• “Do not go through that park at night.”
• “That person has been threatening people.”
• “This group chat is sharing private pictures.”
• “That adult should not be messaging children privately.”
• “There has been drug dealing or violence in that area.”

That is safety information.

But other information is shared to pull the young person into cruelty, gossip or control.

For example:

• “Everyone knows she’s like that.”
• “Don’t tell anyone I told you.”
• “If you were really my friend, you’d agree.”
• “Let’s see if they react.”
• “Send this to the group.”
• “You can’t trust anyone except me.”
• “I’m only being honest.”

A useful sorting test is:

• Is this to keep someone safe?
• Is this something I genuinely need to know?
• Would they say it in front of the person?
• Are they protecting someone, or enjoying someone else’s shame?
• Are they asking me to carry a story that is not mine?
• Will repeating this help, or will it harm?
• Could I ask a trusted adult about this without feeling scared?

This is explicit social teaching.

Many autistic young people need this made concrete. Not because they lack morals, but because hidden social motives can be hard to read.

Gentle teasing, banter and cruelty

Families also need to teach the difference between teasing and cruelty.

Gentle teasing usually has limits.

It is mutual.

It does not target someone’s deepest vulnerability.

It stops when someone is upset.

It does not rely on humiliation.

It does not continue after someone says no.

Cruelty is different.

Cruelty often hides behind words like:

• banter
• joke
• honesty
• advice
• loyalty
• tough love
• free speech
• “that’s just how we are”

Welsh Government guidance says children and young people may claim something was a joke or banter, but if one learner uses banter to humiliate or threaten another learner who is powerless to stop it and made fearful, the line between banter and bullying is likely to have been crossed [5].

A useful rule is:

If people are laughing with someone, maybe okay.
If people are laughing at someone who cannot answer back, step away.
If private details are being spread, step away.
If the story would hurt someone if repeated, step away.

This applies to friendship groups, family gatherings, classrooms, workplaces, gaming chats and neighbourhood gossip.

The same people who enjoy tearing someone else down today may do the same to the young person tomorrow.

That is not loyalty.

That is a rotating target list.

Online spaces make this harder

The same pattern appears online.

In gaming chats, Discord-style groups, private messages, social media, livestream communities and group chats, a young person may be pulled into relationships that feel intense very quickly.

This matters because many autistic, disabled and chronically unwell young people rely heavily on online spaces for connection, learning and identity.

Online frenemies may:

• flatter the young person
• offer advice
• share secrets
• ask for secrets in return
• create private jokes
• encourage rule-breaking
• normalise cruel behaviour
• ask the young person to take sides
• move from group chat to private chat
• become angry when boundaries are set
• pressure the young person to send screenshots, pictures, passwords or private information

Hwb’s Keeping safe online area includes advice and resources on online bullying, online grooming, online hate, online radicalisation, online sexual harassment, sextortion, sharing nudes and semi-nudes, gaming, social media, data, privacy and consent [6].

For autistic and ALN young people, online safety needs to include more than passwords and privacy settings.

It also needs to include:

• hidden intent
• emotional pressure
• group dynamics
• manipulation
• secrecy
• relationship boundaries
• what to do when a chat feels wrong

This is why bans alone are not enough.

Young people need judgement, language and exit routes.

Fawning in the workplace, volunteering and post-16 life

This article is not only about children in school.

Fawning can become more risky after 16 because young people begin moving into wider adult settings.

They may enter:

• college
• apprenticeships
• volunteering
• work experience
• part-time jobs
• training schemes
• online communities
• youth projects
• community groups
• relationships

In these settings, adults may assume the young person can “just say no”.

But many autistic and ALN young people may not yet have the social confidence, language or processing speed to challenge someone in the moment.

They may fawn with:

• managers
• colleagues
• customers
• older peers
• relatives
• family friends
• romantic partners
• online contacts
• people in authority

This does not mean parents should panic.

It means transition planning should include social safety.

Post-16 preparation is not only about courses, transport and qualifications.

It should also include:

• how to recognise pressure
• how to say no
• how to leave a situation
• how to report concerns
• how to check a confusing interaction with a trusted person
• how to recognise when someone is using friendship, status or authority badly

Fawning inside family and community settings

This part can be difficult to talk about.

Not all unsafe dynamics come from peers.

Some young people fawn around relatives, family friends, older community members, neighbours, faith contacts or adults who have known the family for years.

That does not mean every family or community is unsafe.

It means young people need safety rules that work even when the person is familiar.

This is especially important where a child or young person has been taught:

• never answer back
• respect adults
• do not shame the family
• keep family business private
• forgive quickly
• do not cause trouble
• adults always know best

Respect matters.

Family matters.

Culture matters.

Faith matters.

Community matters.

But safety matters too.

A young person needs to know:

You can respect someone and still say no.
You can love your family and still tell a trusted adult.
You can be polite and still leave.
You can forgive someone and still need boundaries.
You can keep ordinary family privacy without carrying unsafe secrets.

Respect should not mean silence.

Politeness should not mean compliance.

Family loyalty should not mean carrying harm alone.

A practical safety script for young people

Some young people need ready-made language.

Families can practise phrases such as:

• “I need to think about that.”
• “I’m not keeping secrets about this.”
• “I need to check with someone first.”
• “I don’t want to talk about them when they’re not here.”
• “That feels mean.”
• “I’m going now.”
• “Please message me in the group chat, not privately.”
• “I don’t understand what you want me to do.”
• “I’m not comfortable with that.”
• “I need help.”
• “I said no.”
• “I’m going to ask someone I trust.”

For some young people, spoken scripts will not be enough.

They may need:

• text templates
• visual cards
• a safe emoji system
• agreed check-in times
• a named safe person
• role play
• social stories
• a written plan for what to do when confused

This connects directly to our story-based emotional safety series. Stories can help children and young people rehearse risk, trust, boundaries and hidden intent before they face those situations in real life.

The aim is not to make young people suspicious of everyone.

The aim is to give them enough structure to trust themselves.

Questions parents can teach

Here are simple questions families can practise.

After a conversation

• Do I feel safer, or smaller?
• Do I feel calm, or confused?
• Am I allowed to disagree?
• Am I allowed to say no?
• Would they be kind if other people were watching?
• Would they still be kind if I stopped doing what they wanted?
• Do I feel like myself around them?

When someone shares gossip

• Why are they telling me this?
• Is this to keep someone safe?
• Is this something I need to know?
• Are they asking me to laugh at someone?
• Would I repeat this if the person was standing here?
• Could this hurt someone if passed on?
• Am I being asked to carry a story that is not mine?

When someone asks for secrecy

• Is this a fun secret, like a birthday surprise?
• Or is this a heavy secret that makes me anxious?
• Is someone asking me not to tell a parent, carer, teacher, youth worker or safe adult?
• Is the secret about harm, rules, pictures, money, sex, drugs, threats or private information?
• Do I need help?

When someone says “I’m only joking”

• Did I laugh because it was funny?
• Or did I laugh because I felt I had to?
• Did they stop when I looked upset?
• Is the joke always at my expense?
• Would they accept the same joke about themselves?
• Am I allowed to say “that hurt”?

These questions can be written down, stuck inside a planner, saved on a phone, used in a social story, or practised after TV scenes, books, games and real-life situations.

What parents can watch for

Parents may need to look for changes rather than wait for a disclosure.

Possible warning signs include:

• sudden anxiety around a particular person or group
• checking the phone constantly
• hiding messages
• distress after being online
• fear of missing out on a group chat
• apologising repeatedly
• defending someone who keeps hurting them
• saying “they’re my only friend”
• avoiding previous safe people
• giving away money, belongings or passwords
• being unusually secretive
• becoming withdrawn after contact
• becoming aggressive when gently asked about the relationship
• changes in sleep, eating, mood or school attendance
• panic before seeing a person or group
• relief when an activity is cancelled
• sudden changes in how they talk about themselves

None of these signs proves abuse or bullying on its own.

But patterns matter.

If a young person repeatedly becomes smaller around someone, pay attention.

What schools, colleges and settings can do

Settings should not rely only on visible behaviour.

A young person who is quiet, compliant or polite may still be distressed.

Helpful approaches include:

• private check-ins with a trusted adult
• accessible reporting routes
• visual and written options for disclosure
• clear anti-bullying procedures
• named safe adults
• calm responses to peer conflict
• support around group chats and online bullying
• social stories and role play
• direct teaching about consent, privacy and boundaries
• reasonable adjustments for communication needs
• recording parent concerns, not dismissing them
• reviewing whether the young person needs ALN support or changes to ALP

Welsh Government guidance says settings should put ongoing well-being support in place when prejudice-based bullying or harassment is reported, and that a trauma-informed approach is essential [5].

It also says schools should not expect children and young people to automatically re-report if bullying or harassment continues [5].

For ALN learners, this may mean making support more explicit.

A poster on a wall is not enough if the learner cannot use that information under stress.

What to ask the ALNCo or setting

Parents may want to ask:

• How are friendship concerns recorded?
• How does the setting identify relational bullying?
• How can my child report a concern without speaking in front of others?
• Who is my child’s safe adult?
• What is the plan if the concern involves a group chat?
• How are disabled and ALN learners supported to recognise bullying?
• Is emotional safety being considered as part of ALN support?
• Does the IDP need to include social communication, emotional regulation or safety-related support?
• Are staff aware that compliance can be masking or fawning?
• How will the setting check whether the situation has actually improved?
• How will the setting make reporting accessible if my child freezes or cannot explain verbally?

If the issue affects attendance, learning, emotional regulation, communication, safety or access to education, it should not be treated as “just friendship drama”.

What parents can do at home

Parents do not need to interrogate.

Many young people shut down if they feel questioned too intensely.

Gentle options include:

• talk during car journeys, walks or food preparation
• use TV, books or games to discuss hidden intent
• ask “what would you advise that character to do?”
• practise scripts when everyone is calm
• create a safe person list
• agree a code word or emoji for “come and get me”
• make it normal to check confusing social situations
• praise boundary-setting, not just politeness
• avoid forcing forgiveness
• avoid saying “just ignore them” where there is a power imbalance
• keep simple records where patterns are emerging

The key message is:

You do not have to be rude to be safe, but you are allowed to be safe before you are polite.

When to seek more help

Seek extra help if:

• the young person seems frightened of someone
• there is pressure to keep secrets
• there are threats, coercion or blackmail
• private images or messages are involved
• an adult or older young person is pushing boundaries
• money, gifts, lifts, substances or sexualised behaviour are involved
• the young person is self-harming or talking about not wanting to live
• the young person is being isolated from safe people
• school, college or work attendance is affected
• you feel something is wrong but cannot yet prove it

Parents can contact the school, college, GP, school nurse, local authority safeguarding routes, police, Childline, Meic, or relevant specialist services depending on the situation.

If there is immediate danger, use emergency services.

Why this belongs in ALN prevention

This is not a soft extra.

It belongs in prevention.

Autistic and ALN young people may need explicit teaching about:

• trust
• privacy
• safe adults
• unsafe secrets
• gossip
• teasing
• coercion
• consent
• online pressure
• group dynamics
• how to leave
• how to report
• how to ask for help

This teaching should not wait until something has already gone wrong.

It should be part of emotional regulation work, social communication support, online safety, transition planning, post-16 preparation and safeguarding culture.

That is why Learn Without Limits talks so much about practical navigation.

A young person cannot use rights, guidance or safeguarding systems if they do not have the language to explain what is happening.

Final thought

Being kind is good.

Being polite can help.

Masking and code-switching may help young people get through difficult environments.

But no young person should have to survive by making themselves smaller all the time.

Fawning becomes dangerous when a young person learns that keeping the peace matters more than their own safety.

Our job as adults is not to shame them for adapting.

Our job is to help them recognise when adaptation has become self-erasure, and when a “friend” is not acting like a friend at all.

That is prevention.

That is safeguarding.

And for many autistic and ALN young people, it needs to be taught clearly, gently and more than once.

Author’s note

This article is written in loving memory of Fiona Holm, my autistic and ADHD best mate, who was murdered.

Fiona’s name deserves to be remembered.

I have not written about the details of her death here because this is not true-crime content. This article is about prevention, safety and practical teaching.

No victim is responsible for another person’s violence. Safety skills do not remove the duty on adults, services and systems to listen, assess risk and act when something is wrong.

But disabled and neurodivergent people still deserve practical teaching about trust, pressure, coercion, hidden intent, boundaries, unsafe relationships and when to seek help. Not vague messages about “being careful”. Real tools they can use.

For public reporting on Fiona’s case, see the BBC News report: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c363dk662xyo

References

[1] NHS Inform, “Common reactions to a traumatic event,” NHS Inform. Available: https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/mental-wellbeing/dealing-with-traumatic-events/common-reactions-to-a-traumatic-event

[2] The Children’s Society, “Trauma responses in young people,” The Children’s Society, 23 July 2025. Available: https://www.childrenssociety.org.uk/what-we-do/blogs/trauma-responses-in-young-people

[3] Rape Crisis England and Wales, “The 5 Fs: fight, flight, freeze, flop and friend,” Rape Crisis England and Wales. Available: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/understanding-your-response/fight-or-flight/

[4] National Autistic Society, “Autistic people and masking,” National Autistic Society, 7 July 2022. Available: https://www.autism.org.uk/learn/knowledge-hub/professional-practice/autistic-masking

[5] Welsh Government, “Challenging bullying and harassment,” GOV.WALES, 7 May 2026. Available: https://www.gov.wales/challenging-bullying-and-harassment-html

[6] Welsh Government, “Keeping safe online,” Hwb. Available: https://hwb.gov.wales/keeping-safe-online/

[7] Welsh Government, “Keeping safe online: help and support,” Hwb. Available: https://hwb.gov.wales/keeping-safe-online/help-and-support

[8] Welsh Government, “Framework on embedding a whole-school approach to emotional and mental wellbeing,” GOV.WALES, last updated 5 January 2026. Available: https://www.gov.wales/framework-embedding-whole-school-approach-emotional-and-mental-wellbeing

[9] Welsh Government, “The additional learning needs code,” GOV.WALES, 2021. Available: https://www.gov.wales/additional-learning-needs-code

[10] BBC News, “Officers face probe over murdered women contact,” BBC News, 26 February 2026. Available: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c363dk662xyo