What The Fox and the Crow Teaches Us About Praise, Manipulation and Hidden Intent
Most of us were told that The Fox and the Crow is a story about vanity.
That the crow should not have been so proud.
But that is not really the lesson most children need.
A more useful way to understand this story is this:
sometimes praise is used to influence you.
What is really happening in the story
The fox does not chase the crow.
He does not try to take the cheese by force.
He watches.
He notices what the crow has.
And then he chooses a different approach.
He uses praise.
He tells the crow how beautiful she is.
He tells her how impressive she must be.
He suggests that her voice must be just as wonderful.
And the crow, wanting to believe this, responds.
She opens her beak.
And loses the cheese.
The key point here is not that the crow was “vain”.
It is that the fox had a goal and used praise to achieve it.
Stories were always meant to teach more than entertainment
Stories like this were never just about morals.
They were a way of helping children understand:
- how people behave
- how influence works
- how to recognise when something is not quite right
We explored this more in our earlier post on
why stories still matter for children and emotional regulation.
How this shows up in real life
This pattern is far more common than most of us realise.
People do not always use pressure or threats to influence behaviour.
Sometimes they use:
- compliments
- attention
- admiration
- approval
to build trust quickly.
At first, this can feel positive.
It can feel encouraging.
It can feel like connection.
But over time, it can become something else.
The praise can start to lead somewhere.
It may come with:
- expectation
- pressure
- small requests
- a sense that something is now expected
We see a similar pattern in situations where something appears safe or positive on the surface, but has a different intention underneath.
We explored this in our article on
what Little Red Riding Hood teaches us about safety and hidden intent.
When praise becomes a tool
For older children and teenagers, this pattern sometimes has a name.
It is often referred to as love bombing.
This is where someone gives:
- very intense praise
- a lot of attention very quickly
- a strong sense of connection early on
This does not always mean something is wrong.
But it is something worth understanding.
Because in some situations, it can be used to:
- build trust quickly
- create emotional connection
- make it harder to step back later
This is not limited to adult relationships.
Teenagers can encounter this:
- in friendships
- in peer groups
- in online spaces
- in one-to-one interactions
Understanding this pattern gives young people a way to pause and think, rather than respond automatically.
Where this can lead if we do not talk about it
Understanding this pattern matters because it shows up in situations that can have real consequences.
For example, a young person may meet someone who:
- gives them a lot of praise
- makes them feel special or chosen
- pays them more attention than others
This can feel positive at first.
But over time, that attention can be used to:
- build trust quickly
- lower boundaries
- introduce pressure
For teenagers, this can sometimes look like:
- a boyfriend or partner who uses praise to build emotional closeness very quickly
- encouragement to move into physical or sexual situations before they are ready
- a sense that saying no might risk losing the connection
This is one of the ways grooming can begin.
And it is not always obvious, because it does not start with something that feels unsafe.
It does not only affect young people
This pattern is not limited to children or teenagers.
Parents themselves can be vulnerable, especially when they are:
- exhausted
- under pressure
- feeling judged or unsupported
- used to having their concerns dismissed
In those moments, praise can feel powerful.
It can feel like:
- being understood
- being recognised
- finally being seen
That can create an opening for someone to:
- build trust with the parent
- position themselves as helpful or supportive
- gain access to the child or family
This is not about blame.
It is about recognising how normal human needs can be used by others in ways that are not always obvious at first.
When belonging is used as leverage
For some children and young people, the strongest pull is not praise on its own.
It is belonging.
Groups, including gangs, may offer:
- praise
- attention
- protection
- a sense of identity
For a child who feels:
- isolated
- excluded
- misunderstood
this can feel like something they have been missing.
And that makes it harder to question what comes next.
Why this matters
None of these situations begin with something that looks clearly unsafe.
They begin with:
- kindness
- attention
- praise
- connection
That is why it is so important that children, and the adults around them, understand this pattern early.
Not so they become suspicious of everyone.
But so they can recognise when something is moving from:
- genuine connection
into
- influence and pressure
Why this matters for ALN and neurodivergent children
Some children may be more affected by this pattern than others.
They may:
- take praise at face value
- assume kind words reflect kind intent
- find it harder to recognise patterns over time
- want to respond “correctly” in social situations
Many neurodivergent children are also:
- used to being corrected more than praised
- actively trying to fit in
- masking or adapting their behaviour
- more likely to people-please
This can make praise feel:
- powerful
- important
- something to hold onto
But there is another layer that is just as important.
When loneliness increases vulnerability
Children do not experience praise in isolation.
They experience it in the context of how they feel about themselves, and where they feel they belong.
Many families will recognise the quieter, harder moments:
- the birthday party where no one comes
- the child who is technically included but never quite part of the group
- the young person who spends most of their time alongside adults rather than peers
Loneliness can exist even when a child appears to be surrounded by others.
And for some young people, the gap between being around people and feeling connected can be significant.
For teenagers and young adults, this can become even more complex.
A paid companion or support worker may provide valuable support, but it is not the same as peer friendship.
That difference matters.
Because when a young person is:
- lonely
- trying to fit in
- unsure where they belong
praise and attention can carry much more weight.
When children feel “different”
This can be felt more acutely by children and young people who are already navigating difference.
For example:
- the only girl in a predominantly male activity
- a child from an ethnic or cultural minority background
- an LGBT young person
- a neurodivergent, disabled, or chronically ill child
Sometimes these experiences overlap.
This is often described as intersectionality.
From the outside, a child may appear to be part of a group.
But internally, they may feel:
- separate
- unsure
- unprotected
That matters in safeguarding.
Because the more isolated a child feels, the more powerful attention, praise, and perceived acceptance can become.
When well-meaning messages miss the mark
It is also important to recognise that some well-meaning messages can have the opposite effect to what was intended.
For example, many people will have heard the phrase:
“I don’t see colour.”
This is often meant to communicate fairness or equality.
But for many Black British people, this phrase signals something very different.
It signals that:
- difference will not be recognised
- lived experience will not be understood
- and, crucially, that protection will not follow
This is not a theoretical point.
It is something many people learn over time through lived experience.
For children and young people, these signals matter.
Because a sense of safety is not just about being physically present in a group.
It is about feeling:
- seen
- understood
- and protected
If a child does not feel that, they may:
- hold back
- mask more heavily
- seek acceptance elsewhere
And when acceptance does come, even from the wrong place, it can feel harder to question it.
Carers and practitioners do not need perfect language.
But they do need to understand that belonging is not neutral.
If you want to revisit the story together
A simple illustrated version is available here
We will also be asking Swansea Libraries to stock all the books in this series so families can access them more easily.
For those living elsewhere in Wales, you can make the same request through your own local library service. Council-run libraries across Wales regularly respond to requests from home educating families.
This article is part of our Stories Series, exploring how familiar stories can help home-educating families build literacy, safeguarding awareness and life skills.